I am writing a book. A series of essays on all things life. Conversations I have with myself divided under 4 main chapters: On Fire, On Water, On Earth, On Ether. Almost done with it. Not quite sure what to do with it yet. So here I will be sharing some extracts. Essays. This one is called “On Self” - guess under which chapter it falls :) - Gave it another title for the Substack. Thought it would be more fun.
The book is called “F*ck. Did I forget to say thanks?” Yes, there is a logic behind the title. Might explain later. In the meantime, enjoy. Eh, don’t forget to say thanks ;)
On self.
Who are you?
Who am I ?
You? or I?
Which one? I am not sure. Aren’t we one? Aren’t we both the same? Am I everything or am I everyone? Am I everyone or am I no one? Am I everything or am I nothing?
Tough questions. So many. Incoherent. Weird. Out of this world. Damn. I love mindfucking myself. My favourite game.
I made a realization tonight. I can be anything and anyone, everything and nothing, whatever and whoever. I decide. Self is me and I am self. Is there such a thing as I? If I don’t exist anyway I might as well be. If I am not, I can be. If I am, I can be. Whatever it is, I am. I am whatever there is. But I decide whatever I want to be. Yes. That’s self.
Self is being and not being. Being and un-being. Self is all and nothing.
Funny, isn’t it? We spend our lives looking for ourselves just to find that it is actually nothing. How do you find nothing? What should you even be looking for?
We spend our lives looking for ourselves just to find that is actually everything. How do you find everything? What should you even be looking for?
Everything or nothing, the eternal quest of self.
Can you ever win?
You win by becoming nothing.
You win by becoming everything.
Choose one. Can it be both?
It is. It is both and it isn’t. You make of nothing what you want and you make of everything what you want. This is self. From the void I create and from the clutter I deconstruct. To get all or nothing. To be myself in the midst of nothing. To be myself in the midst of everything. Does it even make sense? ]
Yes it does.
No it doesn’t.
You can be all that you want to be and all that you don’t want to be. You choose you. You choose your character. You choose your persona. You choose your physical appearance. You choose your style. You choose all that you are. You choose the image you want to project into the world. Because at the end we are all holograms of each other anyway. So which character are you gonna choose? Sims.
You can choose to pretend or you can choose to let your most authentic self shine. The easiest character you will ever play is you. The real you. The you behind the worries of being judged. The you behind the worries of not looking nice enough, being stylish enough, being cool enough. The you that will not cater for what others think you should be or want to be. The you that will not project to please. The you that will not be quiet to please. The you that will not hide behind the fear of being seen, of being heard. That’s you. The self you are looking for. And that self can be anything because you make it. Either you want to or not. There is an image you are projecting into the world. So which are you gonna choose?
People will give their opinions either way. People will critique either way. Why not simply be what you want to be? You will always be too skinny for some, too fat for others, too loud, too quiet, too eccentric, too timid, too cheerful, too sinister, too ambitious, too lazy, too sexy, too wild, too free. You will always be too much for people who are not comfortable in their own skin. You will always be too much to someone who couldn’t be enough for themselves. We are not meant to be the same. We are not meant to be one self otherwise we would.
But ultimately we are, aren’t we?
Ultimately we are one self. But here, on this earth, in this world, we are different projections of that one self. We are the same consciousness projecting different characters at each other. We are the program and the programmers. And in this specific game of life, we choose to play different characters. Eccentric ones, timid ones, loud ones, quiet ones, ambitious ones, lazy ones. You choose your you. You choose the you that goes best with you. Which character did you decide to play? Not to please others but to simply please you. Which one is it that you feel most comfortable playing? There are no limits, no boundaries, no rules and no restrictions. There are only norms and conventions that have been constructed by society to put you in a box and make you conform. Yeah, we need villains to make the game more fun. Control. Ultimately conventions and societal norms are tools of control. Putting you in a herd. Boxing you into a corner. Stamping you with illusionary rules to stop you from disturbing their own game. To stop you from being too loud. From making too much noise. To stop you from shaking things up. A game within a game. They created rules for you and you are blindly following them. So yes, of course you are loosing yourself in it.
Who are you? You have to eat 3 times per day, behave yourself in a certain way, respect certain people and fear others. You can only pursue a certain path, study, go to university, get married at a certain age, get a job, build a family, pay the bills, budget, save, don’t offend your boss, retirement. Hierarchy. Norms. But in reality, who said it has to be that way? Why can’t you carve your own path in this world? Why can’t you make you own rules? Why can be your own self? Give me one valid reason.
See. You can’t think of any because there are none. There are many paths you can take in this life and the best is always to carve your own. What are you afraid of? Not having food on the table? Pick an apple from a tree. It’s free. The heart knows how to take care of you. When you follow your heart it will never leave you hungry. It will never leave you empty. Your heart knows. The heart knows you. The heart knows how to play your own game. Follow her and let her be your guide, your best friend, your soulmate. Let her simply be you.
Your game. Your rules.
So who do you wanna be?
How do you wanna play?
I write these essays mainly as conversations with myself(ves). I’d still love to hear your perception of it all. Feel free to engage & share in the comments if you are called to it.
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Love & light to you. xx Maya